Note: This article is (almost) entirely satirical and is not meant to either be rational or represent the actual opinion of Blue Jays from Away.

 

 

Dear Alex Anthopoulos,

 

Band-Aids. Seriously, bro. That’s all that your “two more pitchers, a second baseman and a catcher” amount to. Do you really think that your formula is going to bring a championship to the Toronto Blue Jays in 2014 or 2015? They’re just band-aids to the monstrously FUBAR season that 2013 turned into.

 

I mean, how much better are you going to get? You brought in tons of veteran pitching last year and look where that got us. We were all counting on the saviours: R.A. Dickey, Josh Johnson and Mark Buehrle. Combined with a healthy Brandon Morrow and a resurgent Ricky Romero, we had aces all around. Heck, even our sixth starter deserved to be in the major leagues and was paid accordingly.

 

 

Why should we buy into the need for two MORE starting pitchers at a hefty cost (of either money or prospects)? Have any of these grand moves worked out? What about all the little moves: the other “depth” pitching acquisitions like, oh, Aaron Laffey, Todd Redmond, Thad Weber, Edgar Gonzalez, Ramon Ortiz, Miguel Batista, Dave Bush, Justin Germano, Chien-Ming Wang . . . ok, I’m out of breath now, but I’m sure I’m missing someone.

 

Other than Mark Buehrle, did any of these acquisitions work out? Ok, I’ll admit that Redmond had his moments. Esmil Rogers looks good at times as a starter (but what did we give up to get him)? A catcher and an infielder. Hmmmm.

 

Ok, I get it, pitchers don’t grow on trees, especially good ones (pitchers, not trees). But seriously, there’s so much risk in trying to get those good, established pitchers that we shouldn’t even bother anymore.

 

What about your other acquisitions lately? Maicer Izturis? Josh Thole? Mike Nickeas? I hear you, Alex. The league is on to you. Colby Rasmus for a bucket of Cheetos deals just aren’t out there anymore. When they see “A Anthopoulos” on their call display, other GMs probably say to themselves, “Oh crap. That guy’s not going to screw me again.” I get it, Alex. It’s hard to be a ninja when the rest of the league has gone and “Mission:Impossible”d their defenses with laserbeams and motion detectors and sound detectors and stuff.

 

But let’s face it. It just isn’t going to work with these guys going forward and your band-aids aren’t going to stop the bleeding. You’ve got a “leader” who’s getting called out by Jerry Howarth. JERRY HOWARTH, for Pete’s sake. You’ve got a catcher who declared war on the media while he was getting on base at a rate that was slightly above the Mendoza Line. You’ve got a first baseman/DH who can’t hit lefties and another one who’s just sickeningly good and underrated. Your third baseman bristles with uncontrollable rage and despite showing flashes of brilliance defensively, hasn’t been able to put everything together at the plate yet.

 

Your left fielder spent all of last year unable to run (or hit) and your shortstop (for half the year) was more popular for what he did in between pitches than what he did while swinging AT the pitches. And the pitchers. Oy. Except the bullpen. They’re cool.

 

So blow it up, Alex. Blow it the eff up. Send the fragments flying in all directions, AL East included, just get something back. You’ve got a few pieces that truly have value. Edwin. Colby. Casey. Jose (Reyes . . . ok, Bautista has value too).

 

I mean, why shouldn’t the Blue Jays become the 2013/14 version of the Miami Marlins? After all, we already ARE the 2013/14 version of the Miami Marlins. The two guys who were supposedly the lynchpins in the big trade from a year ago are already gone (and John Buck was only around for a few weeks)! According to Lott and Davidi’s book, “Great Expectations,” Josh Johnson was the guy that got the conversation going and you also really wanted Emilio Bonifacio. Both of them…. GONE! What did we get back? A little bit of cash from the Royals. How well did that turn out? I mean why throw good money after bad by getting unpredictable free agents and/or trade pieces?

 

 

So blow it up, Alex. I can handle watching the kids grow up. Watching Moises Sierra take comically bad routes to the ball, airmailing home on his throws and running wherever he feels like it is actually pretty entertaining if you take it for what it is. Kevin Pillar could probably hit major league pitching eventually. And he TRIES SO HARD! And watching Anthony Gose run in the outfield and on the bases is pretty spectacular, I think you’ll agree with me on that one.

 

 

I enjoyed watching Ryan “The Human Vacuum” Goins at second and we could move him back to shortstop (his natural position). We can keep Lawrie but only if he agrees to paint himself green when he “Hulks Out.” Or maybe just pay off his tattoo artist to cover him in the green stuff so that the paint won’t rub off on the ball. Who plays second? Well, I think we’re stuck with Izturis; I don’t think anyone’s going to take him off your hands. And at first, bring back Luis Jimenez. The guy deserves a chance at the majors and watching big dudes run is always fun (too bad the Astros already have Japhet Amador. Look him up. Seriously).

 

 

Behind the plate? Keep Thole to maintain the team’s handsomeness quotient and bring A.J. Jimenez in there. Sure he’ll strike out a lot and won’t walk much, but, DEFENSE! And then we’d have two Jimenezes (Jimeni?) on the team!

 

 

And who’s he going to catch? I’m not advocating bringing up Sanchez too early, but in my scenario Ricky Romero becomes our ace again (no, no one wants to touch that contract). But seriously, there’s no lack of bodies to put on the mound who could actually be good (or at least have the promise of being good). Romero aside, you’ve got Esmil Rogers, Todd Redmond (both with “proven major league experience”), Drew Hutchison, Kyle Drabek, Sean Nolin, Marcus Stroman and Deck McGuire. See? Lots of pitchers!

 

In the bullpen? Even if you trade Janssen and Santos, you’ve still got Delabar, Cecil, Loup, Luis Perez, Dustin McGowan (if his arm remains attached), Juan Perez, Mickey Storey, John Stilson, Neil Wagner, Chad Jenkins and Jeremy Jeffress. Again, tons of guys and do you think that that group would be much worse in 2014 than 2013?

 

So blow it up, Alex. Then we don’t have to sit and listen to all of this speculation about going after this free agent or that free agent, or try to make up all of these hypothetical trades with teams whose needs may or may not actually match our own.

 

Blow it up, Alex and we can get back to rosterbating over our prospects and how many we have in every writer’s Top 100 and how great the future will be.

 

Because if next year’s present is like last year’s present, I’ll take the future.